How Well You Know Yourself?

I was talking with my psych about myself and what I’ve been through, how to deal with it and solving the problems that strangled for too long. There are a lot of of important points and questions that he threw, as such an eyeopening simple words. He said that It’s been too long for me living my life in survival mode. Until I’ve reached the point that I don’t know how to treat myself well and doesn’t even know myself. I couldn’t say that he’s wrong, in fact, he is all about right. I’ve been living my life without really knowing my purpose and goal, all my life I’ve always been living to satisfy others. To make everyone happy, except me. All the simple question about, what do I want, what do I need? doesn’t always come to the surface.

Rest, do not just take a break. Cut the noice from all the things you think you knew, reflect on what really matters and what really moves you as a person. But how do I know it? How do I know who myself is, if it’s revenge that keeps me alive. All along, all the external validation was the one that I’m looking for, until that external factors gone, and I have come to the point where I don’t need to prove myself. Because I am better, way even better than what they compared me to.

I’ve succeeded living by myself, I’ve been fine to struggle, living on the lowest point of my life. Until now, I really need to figure out, who I want to be? damn. Who the hell I want to be, if all I want was just to be better than everyone else. There was once I feel myself content and happy, working long hours, commute so far that I need to take 2 hours long trip just to go to my work office. Yet, I was so happy, I know my calling, I was sufferingly happy. That now I know what makes me happy, the fire that keeps me burning, I’ve always thinking 5 steps ahead to the worst case that could happened. Mom and dad said that I don’t have any talent, looking inside my inner child self, I’m pitying her.

It must be so hard for her to live poorly, with poor support system. Then now, when I already grown up. I still blaming her for the things she can’t control. I’m so sorry, little Dinda. I should be the one who protects you, who gives you the stability, the love, the sanctuary for myself. Yet, I’m so hard to you, you’ve been through a lot, you’ve fight your war alone, but now you are not alone. You’ll never be alone forward on. Thank you for fighting all the demons that came to you and told you that you aren’t enough. Eventually, you are all you got, you are whatever you need. You just need to better from who you are yesterday.

Honesty, kindness, and consistency. Those values are the three you should always bring whenever you go. You are perfectly imperfect. You could be whoever that makes you happy from now on. You deserve it, you deserve the happiness and the stability that you didn’t get as a child. and I’m sorry if you feel and think that you couldn’t get it because you have to carry everyone’s hope that you are who they want to be. Now it’s time for you to shine, to be the master of public policy communication and lead the world to be whatever you want to be, to be kind, to be purposeful, to be alive while you are living, and to be happy, healthy, wealthy. ❤