The One Who’s Not Competing
People will only believe or see what they want to see. You can’t control what’s not on your hand & mind, this is a struggle and we will never get to have the answer while we live. As Ryan Holiday said in his epilogue in “Ego is The Enemy”. Ego, itself is like a dust in your house that you have to keep sweeping, because it will keep coming back each minute of each time, so you have to be consistent. It’s so un-natural yet needed, that we have to take controls on what our mind will take reaction to.
However, when we are talking about reaction we will (sometimes) directly thinking about one-second-action that will lead us into big decision. Which by any meaning is true, although we still have all time to think, reassess, and responds into whatever balls thrown into us. It takes a long-life learning that we will always need to adapt and understand. We often see the reaction as something that we can manage and restore, when it’s not. We have to accept the humility that we, as a human being somehow, sometimes are so lash out on words that only can get us more hurt.
In the other hand, what we are feeling, how we handle such circumstances is unique each time we faces new conditions. How we see the perspective and handle it with care, is number one to not responds on negative way. We sure need to sweep the ego, but the ego is there so we can create a better self awareness to make such a standard that no one can compete with. You are your own biggest enemy, we don’t need to compete with anyone, because by opening the opportunities to let other define the success, we open the gate to let ourself down. “She competes with no one, so no one can competes with her” — Lau Tzu.
I’ve come longing for meaning by any chances in my life, I’ve blaming myself, looking down at me, and saying bad words that keeps me awake almost 20 hours a day just to keep my mind busy on what should I do next. In fact, the things that’s out of my hands. It was addicting at the point that I accept it as a part of myself. What then am I looking for? is a validation. Yes, a consistent external validation that I am good enough, that I am well deserved with all the nothing-accomplishment that I have achieved. I am no one, but I want to be someone. What a funny word to say that I’m only wasting my time by searching for a meaning, fearing that I couldn’t give anything to this world, by yet not doing anything. I was so narrow, pitying myself about something that I couldn’t manage or change. My faith.
This kind of super-hero syndrome, wasn’t come out of no where. It was a psychoanalytic mountain that consistently built by my close environment. I wasn’t the adults, but the adults wasn’t mature enough to raise a child. I can’t blame a single thing happened because if it wasn’t then I won’t write this medium, now, at this time, at this very moment.
I’ve come to acceptance that my perspective is my biggest investment, my reaction is my biggest bet. I won’t rely on someone’s warm hand just to making sure that I will sleep better at night. Because, I’m not competing with anyone unless myself that would love to give meaning even a little to this world, kindly, with love, and understanding that I’m only human, consistently, with humility, and grace by God that loving-and-kind.